The Dead Drive #1: Cyberbullying an Etiquette Coach

Gloria’s favorite flowering shrub is forsythia.

From ages of 2010-2015 all of my writing was done in G( . Y . )gle Drive. As I can’t bare to look through it alone, so revolted am I by past writing, I elect to paradoxically press that P button and send my diaries and unpublished projects starting from 19 years old. I’ve been inspired by this lady, and myself, from a freer time. I said I’d pub at 2:00am and have nary had a chance to proof either piece so just don’t.

In 2013 I discovered this Force named Gloria Starr on YT. She had hundreds of videos, lurid gowns, a trans-atlantic-therapist-southern accent, and a ton of fuckin advice regarding Etiquette. There were many… cinematographically interesting shots such as her in a hotel lobby coming up an escalator full Derby regalia at what looks like an empty Hyatt in Greater Charlotte, West Carolina, or her, well […]

Her output was unmatched. And? Her first upload is from 2000. Scrolling through her channel recalls Exactitudes from Versluis / Uyttenbroek:

An unintentional Between Two Ferns moment

Here’s some testimonials and hats, starting Strong with a “Corporate Illusionist”. Who hasn’t not been a client of Starrs’es’ would be a shorter list. There are maybe 100 videos dedicated to testimonialization including a few on screen appearances of Apprentices.

I told my friend Joyce that I wanted to write about Gloria when she commissioned me to contribute to some publication she was doing. The piece was meant to be Funny, and you know it, satirical, because her business looked too lurid 2bReal and I needed a crutch; I also thought that writing snide, gay, withering statements about someone “random” would be So funny. Cyberbullying old ladies online. Gay = mean, btw.

I called the number on her site expecting a wrong number situation but she picked up the phone and, etiquettely, said Âlo (!) I, puny, embarrassingly hung up of course… so searing and withering and invective-y and Glen Greenwald-y, even, in speaking truth to power-y, was I.

Anyway, post cold call I regroup with Joyce realizing she was available and real; we came up with some questions that are totally teenage and boring and meh as hell, e.g. Favorite country and why? WINCE, physical chill cringe, her reply is as boring as the question, Far East… is funny.

I love the Middle East and even after 10 years working in the Gulf Region, I am still fascinated. The people, the food and the culture are wonderful.

The Far East – China, Japan and Malaysia also fascinate me. I just love the differences and always learning about people and cultures.

Or

Q: Are you surprised at the garish lack of etiquette master’s programs in American academia today?

A: Still surprised but it is so refreshing when I meet people with exceptional manners. I have been single for decades and

any man I date must pass the business suit, the tuxedo and the dining etiquette test. I want to date a man that already

has and knows these things.

Last Q was predictably weak, Gloria’s A was decidedly not: “Is the competition fierce?”

Competition? No.

There are so many new consultants that have been trained but have little to no knowledge on how to build a business, market themselves, how to write a corporate proposal, how to set their fees, how to get publicity, etc. […]

I created a weekend training event: Visibility – Credibility – Profitability to teach consultants how to earn a great living and attract clients. Details at http://www.gloriastarr.com/next-level

I am at the top of my game, the global expert and the next level I will be the Matriarch (when I am really old.)

I was outmatched and she was Human, All Too Human, after the Human Voice (…?) on the call, her obvious dedication to building a channel, networking 20% of the time and doing the Pareto Principle’s 80% largely alone, in her large house, filming herself more as the years went by, or being filmed by what I imagine are like modern family gay dudes but actually straight (some bravo show in the south or that one convicted of fraud with his… wife) with a tripod and adobe. And I bet they’re fucking satisfied as hell with their lives. Which, segue.

So had I thought of her then, and so did I now attempting to craft this not-ironic but not genuine meta-commentary about the piece (is it any wonder I have a mere novella to my name!) which itself is full acrid irony from a non-smart 23 year old… until it hit me that I too was alone, Working From Home, in a house was less Large than Gloria’s, in one of my 10 gym short + shirt combinations, a single, 1, tattered Prada shoe to my name, with Extreme Reticence to post this racked with guilt knowing people are literally being bombed and starved! Yes, yes, nary a single series, just a paltry 1.5 substack pieces that I’ve been too Anxious-Avoidant-Dissociated to reread.

My subscriber count? 20 ppl. My precious friends who love or say they love anything I put out after hearing for decades I’m a writer! Watcha Workin On… Me? Drafting… hundreds of tortured drafts…

Was my attempt to make fun of Glort a projection or reaction formation to the reality that I was alone then too? Had came alone to NYC, was explicitly told I “was on my own” by my former Parent, slept alone on park bench in Central Park, and was Deeply Alone for the first 6 months and would yo-yo as T. Pynchon, who I would often be reading, while doing so, spending 11-3am on the A to the L, bc the air was so convivial at night in Bustlin’ Bedford Avenue amirite, aye, steeped in loneliness and forced to, the horror, strike up conversation with people to be my friend!!!! It worked though :)

So, to Gloria, in her spirit… and Spirit? No, no, I’ll have to call that number again when it’s not 2am here on Eastern Seaboard. Actually, realistically, who knows, she’s probably in Dubai or Genève. Perhaps it is myself I should call in… or out. Anyway, here’s the drive doc “Lady Starr”

Addendum

Full Text

Gloria Starr—Global Etiquette, Executive Image, Etiquette, Manners, Communication and Leadership Advisor and Coach, Gloria Starr [sic] 

Gloria Starr is “fondly known as Lady Starr in diplomatic circles around the world.” She quite simply represents the pinnacle of an emerging class—La Nouvelle Femme—characterised by fashion, communication, empathy, neuro-linguistic programming, and ambassadorship. 

Gloria’s favorite flowering shrub is forsythia. Furthermore, I was going through said dead journals and what word should salience itself but forsythia:

According to her website, Gloria is the Preferred Corporate Etiquette Partner to a great number of global corporations, some well-known like Disney, Google, and Levi, and others more recondite such as “Total Upstream – Nigeria”, “Iraq Power Team”, and confidante to the “corporate magician & lord of illusions” Satish Deshmukh. Basically Gloria’s pretty comfortably ensconced herself in the Global (Foucaultvian) Power Structure. 

When Gloria is joined by guests, despite a certain je ne sais quoi d’hostage situation, the talk is of etiquette, with other etiquette coaches, or her students who have the luxury of dropping thirty thousand for an extended weekend stay at Chez d’Étoile.

Gloria and MonaLisa of monalisainternational.com doing Color Analysis with construction paper swatches.

Believe it or not “Africa Image” is one of her best-selling courses to Etiquette Girls in the Carolinas. 

 “Color Analysis” is one of the many services that Lady Starr offers: \

“[...] when people dress according to the colors that best suit their hair, their skin, their freckles even, and even the color of their tooth enamel, they will look more vibrant, healthy, and simply wonderful [...] if you don’t wear colors that suit you, you will look sad, tired, and under the weather and have a day off work if you really needed one, how effective, *quips* that is definitely impression management.” 

Lady Starr claims to see the world in “technicolor HD,” her cachet’s brown being “the warm rich brown like the soil after it warms after a cold winter”, and operates under “the dy-manic laws of prosperity [...] whatever is not working for me I give it to the universe! [...] you can do that with your clothes and I did that with a husband as well… I gave him to the universe and somebody simply wonderful got him [swallows*]!”

* Evidence of the Sublime Cruelty of the Universe--L’Être suprême en méchanceté. 

Money Matters

Gloria’s global etiquette certification courses are practically philanthropic in nature, both culturally and monetarily, like this combo special for a total of 15 days image certification programmes at only $24,500.00. Other services include corporate packages beginning at a mere $125,000.00. Gloria has, to-date, some 491 Youtube videos with topics ranging from “Men’s Suits & Global Executive Presence,” to “Don't Be A Slave To Fashion.” 

And while the finery and refinery of Mz. Starr may seem parsecs away from the serfdom, you too can become just like Gloria: become Gloria’s intern! For just $5,000 (& $1,500 deposit) you can intern for Gloria for ten days. “Upon acceptance, you will receive an email with the airport, hotel options and hours of the internship. To be accepted for an Internship by the legendary Ms. Starr, you need to be a certified, trained consultant.” But, worry not: For Gloria’s McMansion outside of Charlotte, NC doubles as a diploma-mill for all sorts of degrees you’ve never heard of, including, what other than a Consulting Certification, a steal at only $16,000.  

International Indian(a) Bazaar 

In the bazaar section of gloriastarr.com, Gloria offers you a chance to reap her globe-trotting bounty and booty by offering Goddess Gowns purchased ostensibly in India and Indiana. Gowns are individually $400 or two for $700. There are even “seven inch zippers at the back making them easy to slip over your head.” 

Gloria’s also in the business of hand-crafting semi-precious gemstone bangles. Some even contain trace-amounts of platinum, but all pieces boast burnished metals and heirloom accents. She also dabbles in $40 .mp3 files with titles like “You’re a Diamond In the Making”, and “Successful Website Dynamics”, further evidence of her polymathy. Or her seminar “Communicate for Results”, topics include establishing rapport through communication profiling, “Neuro-linguistic Programming” (she’ll basically teach you mind-control with the use of one eyebrow...), Body Language, and more. 

آداب عالمية/Royal Persuasion 

Gloria Starr will be at the Taj Palace Hotel in Dubai from July 22-23 

“The United States of America recognized Ms. Gloria Starr as a person of extraordinary talent and ability and ranked in the top 5% of consultants world-wide.* Ms. Starr is the preferred training partner for the United States Pentagon.”

Who knew that das Ding an sich, the meta-cultural, trans-national, trans-humanistic, trans-moral relativistic bridge so long sought after, was… Etiquette! It is. Her Qatari Excellency Sheikha Al-Mayassa bint Hamad bin Khalifa Al-Thani agrees, saying of Lady Starr “[...] Additionally, we will foster greater understanding and tolerance between people of different backgrounds through a greater learning and practice of etiquette and protocol in all facets of our life.” Mz. Al-Thani also was the buyer of the Francis Bacon triptych which positively smashed auction records, so… trust her. 

* Where/How/When she was recognized in such a capacity by the U.S. government could not be ascertained at date of publication. 

“Clients in Abuja, Alexandria, Atlanta, Beijing, Boca Raton, Birmingham, Cairo, Cape Town, Chicago, Cleveland, Dallas, Denver, Doha, Edmonton, Ft. Lauderdale, Ft. Worth, Greensville, Hawaii, Hong Kong, Honolulu, Indianapolis, Jacksonville, Johannesburg, Lagos, Los Angeles, Los Vegas, Miami, Melbourne, Mumbai, Newport Beach, New York, Oakland, Orlando, Osaka, Palm Beach, Phoenix, Portland,  Rio, Riyadh, Sacramento, San Diego, San Francisco, Scottsdale, Shanghai, Sri Lanka, Sydney, Toronto, UAE, Vancouver, Virginia Beach, Wilmington.” 

 [...] you may not modify or exploit in any manner any information and/or material contained from this web site without the express written consent of the Gloria Starr Esq. & The views and opinions expressed in any referenced document do not necessarily reflect those of [the] Gloria Starr. It is up to you to take precautions to ensure that whatever you select for your use is free of such items as viruses, worms, Trojan horses and other items of a destructive nature.